Shock and Awe

Hey, Natties!

It’s been a busy week, to say the least. Being an Admin of a thriving Natural Hair Group can get pretty hectic. I mean, from hair problems and general Q&A to people trying to sell Penis Enlargement ointments to catch the desperate: I kid you not! (This is South Africa, after all). From this, one can see how my troubles vary. But as I stood bleary-eyed at the office copier machine of my 9 to 5, hypnotised by the flashing light, my mind trailed off for a minute, and I began to wonder about something. I’m pretty chilled about women being natural, heck I promote that stuff everywhere I go! But how do other guys embrace their woman deciding to go natural? Or return, as we like to say. And no, it does not mean she is going to stop taking care of herself!

In fact, she is going to take care of herself more than she ever did. Guys, if you’re reading this and want to know what’s coming, here is my Survival Guide:

So, your girlfriend/wife/ladyfriend/undisclosed mistress has decided that she would like to leave the creamy hills of Relaxerville and return to her roots. First off, the worst thing you could do is discourage her. I have yet to see a man win that argument. She will beat you, and then leave you, in no specific order. So guys, support! But there are hidden clauses that you didn’t quite catch in the contract. To survive, you must know:

1. At some point, she is going to cut all her hair off 

(It’s actually not that bad!)

Now don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re too much of a sissy to accept this yet. You see, if she has been on the creamy crack aka Satan’s Mayonnaise for a long time, she’s either going to go for the jugular and take it all off (Not quite how you think), or she is going to transition – it’s like dying slowly then being born again. Which she chooses depends on how crazy she feels at that moment. By now you’re confronted with an ENTIRELY different women. Guys I have seen this and trust me, it’s the feeling you get when you open a box of new shoes. The excitement! Don’t mess it up for her! Love her as she is and you’re going to get MAJOR points here! They keep score; I know this.

2. You no longer have a bathroom

(On average, R2000 worth of stuff will be in it)

Your bathroom is now a meth lab. Basically. Some new Natties go through the “Product Junkie” phase, and baby, this stage hits harder than a cheapskate on Black Friday. Every shelf, every drawer, every crevice will be devoted to the pursuit of the perfect look, the perfect curl, and will sometimes end in disaster. You must also learn that there will be many unlabeled jars that will hold mysterious pastes and concoctions of recipes she probably found either from me or YouTube (The Natty Holy Land). You must, under NO circumstances, refer to them as “garbage” or “a waste of money” lest ye provoke her ire (Shakespeare says it best). Do not chuck the stuff out; you have no idea how expensive Argan Oil is, bro. Don’t do it.

Secondly, you should note that your bathroom floor is now a gauntlet of stray oil spills and you may at any time be forced into the splits if you’re not careful. Tread carefully, dear friend, your reward awaits you yonder. Oh, and that stuff that she has been spraying on her hair that smells like your Dad’s feet? That’s ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar). Get that in your eyes, and you will know what it would feel like to set your eyeballs on fire with vodka. But again I assure you, brave one, it’s worth it. When she’s through, and your bathroom smells like the change room of a dirty high school, a happy girl sits amidst the odour. Get used to seeing her with sandwich bags on her head. You’ll know what I mean- speaking of things on her head.

3. The Hair Bonnet

(I wish I were joking)

My dear fellow, if you do not find this sexy, I suggest you start finding a way real quick because this is what’s coming to you. ‘Ol Mother Hubbard is going to walk out the bathroom and give you the eye. You know this look by now. You know the one she gives you when she has done something new and is watching your every twitch and can even sense your heart rate, waiting for a response? That one. She’s kind of not feeling sure of herself right now and wants your approval and support, so give it to her. If you must ask a question, refrain from things like “Do you have to wear it?”, Listen playa, she really doesn’t have much of a choice because this is going to mean the difference between “Good Morning, baby” and “LOOK AT THIS SH*&%! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” and you would prefer the former to the later, yes? It’s about survival here, my friend, and to survive you must embrace the bonnet. This is such an important part of her natural journey, so for your own good, make her feel beautiful and surprise her with a new one and say “I think I like the pink one better.” Points falling from the sky, dude. Also, please note that this is the esteemed headwear of the “I ain’t going anywhere, tonight” club. If you see her wearing it, cancel all your plans. Ain’t gonna happen.

If you can’t see yourself getting past this, then I would just like to remind you that this was all the rage back in your Grandmother’s day and it certainly didn’t stop Granddad. Turn down for what?!

4. Preparation Time

Real talk. If you want this:

(www.thefeistyhouse.com)

You must be willing to put up with this:

There is no easy way to say this but, these looks take time, and you CANNOT rush it. She will be dealing with her hair in a way that is probably new to her, and for the first months, it’s going to be like watching a baby giraffe walk. But when she gets that Natty Black Belt, she’s going to make you the envy of every dinner party you attend. But be warned, if you don’t give her time to get her hair sorted out BEFORE you go out, expect this reaction before she storms back into the house:

Yeah, you get the picture.

Now, my fellow males I have fully equipped you with the necessary survival skills you will need to brave the unknown with your dear one. Remember, patience wins this game not force. But one day you’ll be rewarded. You’ll be leaving that fancy dinner party hosted by that guy from work with his trophy wife. You know, the one who has that irritating laugh and waves much too fast while saying your farewells through a toothy grin. As you wearily climb into your car, hold fast. Almost out of nowhere, she will turn to you and reward you with a look of supreme appreciation and admiration for helping her get this far. Lap it up, buddy, you earned it! Thank me later.

P.S. Do not at this point grab her behind the neck and touch her hair. The moment will die instantly. Just smile and pull out the damn driveway. You came this far, don’t f%&# it up.

Your Friend and Saviour,

Bryce

Talk Natty To Me, Baby!

Still here? Get your lady to join our Facebook Group “It’s All Natural!” to receive heaps of tips that will have her loving her hair (and you) in no time!